You noticed that you often roll your eyes and are too ulcerative when you communicate with a partner? These seemingly implicit signs of neglect
are by no means harmless. The manifestation of disrespect for the partner is the most serious harbinger of divorce.
Our gestures are sometimes more eloquent than words and give out a true attitude towards a person besides our will. For 40 years now, a family psychotherapist, professor of psychology at the University of Washington (Seattle) John Gottman and his colleagues have been exploring the relations of partners in marriage. By how spouses communicate with each other, scientists have learned to predict, how long their union will last. We said about the four main signs of the upcoming divorce, which John Gottman.
Among these signs are constant criticism, removal from a partner and too aggressive protection, but they are not as dangerous as an expression of neglect, those non -verbal signals that make it clear that one of the partners considers the other below himself. Mockery, cursing, rolling eyes, caustic irony. That is, everything that hits the self -esteem of a partner. According to John Gottman, this is the most serious problem of all four.
How to learn to restrain neglect and prevent divorce? Seven recommendations from our experts.
1. Realize that the whole thing is in filing information
“The problem is not what you say, but how you do it. The partner feels your contemptuous attitude on how you giggle, faded, Yern, roll your eyes and sigh heavily. This behavior poisons relationships, undermines trust in each other and marry the slow death. Your goal is to be heard, is it so? So, you need to present your message in such a way that it is heard, and does not exacerbate the conflict ”. – Christine Wilke, family psychotherapist in Iston, Pennsylvania.
2. Remove the phrase “I don’t care!»From your lexicon
Saying such words, you actually inform your partner that you are not going to listen to him. He understands: everything that he talks about does not matter to you any meaning. Actually, this is the last thing we would like to hear from a partner, is it not so? Demonstration of indifference (even indirect, when contempt is noticeable only in the expression of the face and gestures) quickly leads to a relationship to completion “. – Aaron Anderson, family psychotherapist in Denver, Colorado.
3. Avoid sarcasm and evil jokes
“Avoid ridicule and comments in the spirit“ How I understand you!”Or” Oh, it was very funny, “said in a stinging tone. They depreciate the partner and offensive jokes on his account, including about his gender (“I would have said that you are a guy”). -Lemel Firestone Palem, (Lemel Firestone-Palem), family psychotherapist.
When you claim that the partner exaggerates or reacts too sharply, in fact, this means that his feelings are not important to you
4. Do not live in the past
“Most couples begin to show disrespect for each other when they have many small claims to each other. To avoid mutual neglect, you need to stay in the present all the time and immediately share your feelings with a partner. You are unhappy with something? Tell me directly about it. But recognize the validity of the comments that the partner expresses to you yourself – then in the next dispute you will probably not be so sure of your rightness. “. – Judith and Bob Wright, authors of the book “The Essence of the Conflict: The Guide for the Steam for 15 typical quarrels that they really mean and how they can bring you closer” (“The Heart of the Fight: A Coupele’s Guide to FifteenCommon Fights, What the Really Mean, and How the Can Bring You Closer, New Harbinger Publications, 2016).
5. Follow your behavior
“You noticed that you often dismiss or grin, listening to a partner, this is a signal that there are problems in the relationship. Find the opportunity to relax from each other, especially if the situation is heating up, or try to focus on the positive moments of your life, on what you especially like in a partner ”. -Chelli Pumphrey, psychologist-consultant in Denver, Colorado.
6. Never tell your partner: “You are exaggerating”
“When you claim that your loved one exaggerates or reacts too sharply, in fact, this means that his feelings are not important to you. Instead of stopping it with the phrase “You take too close to your heart”, listen to its point of view. Try to understand what are the causes of such an acute reaction, because feelings do not arise just like that “. – Aaron Anderson.
7. You caught yourself on disrespectful behavior? Take a break and take a deep breath
“Put the task of finding out what contempt is, what it happens. Then figure out how it manifests itself in your relationship. When you feel the desire to do or say something humiliating, take a deep breath and calmly tell yourself: “Stop”. Or find some other way to stop. Demonstration of disrespect is a bad habit, like smoking or gnawing nails. Make efforts and you can overcome it “. – Bonnie Ray Kennan, psychotherapist in Torrans, California.
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